I wouldn’t mind if someone ate my brain out of my skull with a spoon…I’d feel just the same. I walked to McDonalds with the sole purpose of writing this. That’s a lie. I had to go to CVS to get my meds for my epilepsy and buy some squares. My mom doesn’t know that I’ve used her card to buy cigarettes, twice.
I can’t stop thinking about little everythings. I find myself absorbed in minute facets of life. I live in quick bursts of enamor and boredom, admiration and disgust. I love art that is free of definition and description. I don’t care for a lot of things but I’d like to think I like more things than things I don’t care for.
I used to think (and kind of still do) that people, particularly most women, girls, whatever, just didn’t understand me; didn’t relate to me. But slowly I’m beginning to see that maybe I don’t understand them. Again and again there’s this failure to communicate, failure for me to care. Sometimes I wonder if I’m enough, if they’re enough, or if I even care that I’m enough or if they’re enough. I don’t even know what enough is.
3/24/2012
You learn a couple of things walking the dark streets of this city. One, you don’t have a cell phone…and two…You only have one square.
I walked all the way to school to find out that class had been cancelled. Great. It’d be awesome if my teacher would send emails out once in awhile. Funny thing is I probably wouldn’t have the checked my inbox anyway. All I can think of is Chicago and how much I miss it and how much I miss the people and how much I miss her. I hope she knows how much I cherished every little moment, that I cherished that kiss. I hope she knows that I’m a “gentleman” because I don’t know any other way and I want her to be happy and if she ever wants me to stop being that way I’ll try to stop. The problem is I have this inadequate-inferiority complex and I’m trying to get rid of it. I’m trying to control my mind, my anxiety…it’s a little crippling. I’m going to just attack it by thrusting myself in social situations no matter how much I don’t want to. I want to completely and utterly destroy this wall. I want to harness 100% of my personality. I want to harness 100% of my life. I want to make more of myself so there is more to love.
